Elizabeth’s Brilliant Career in Psychotherapy

by Elizabeth Kirschner

I.
But I want a brilliant career as a poet.

II.
May, 1995: I get
a brilliant career in psychotherapy.
I’m also put on Zoloft.
(The playing field is temporarily leveled.)

III.
May, 1996: I have my first seizure.
I’m taken off Zoloft, put on Clonapin, then Neurontin,
then med, med, med ad nauseam.
I have seizure after seizure, also
ad nauseam.

IV.
But I really want a brilliant career as a poet.
I get a brilliant career in Psychotherapy.
(I also get lots of seizures.)

V.
January, 2002: I start EMDR
to stop the seizures.
(EMDR doesn’t stand for Elizabeth Mary, Dylan and Robert, but it works.)

VI.
June, 2003: the seizures stop.
I go off med, med, med,
ad naseum.

VII.
December 9, 2003: I go crazy, land in the lock-up,
It’s Dylan’s eleventh birthday (boo-hoo, boo-hoo.)
I’m put on Risperadol.

VIII.
January, 2004: I start DBT
to stop the craziness.
DBT doesn’t work.
Because it doesn’t work, I call it the Dia-Bolical Training.

IX.
June, 2004: More craziness,
more psychotherapy.
(But I really, really want a brilliant career as a poet.)

X.
I get a brilliant career in psychotherapy.
(The less said, the better.)

XI.
2005: I’m still crazy.
I start shopping therapy
to look good for psychotherapy.
(I get a brilliant career in shopping.)

XII.
May, 2008: I move to Maine,
when Robert and I permanently separate, but
I’m STILL crazy after all these years.

XIII.
November, 2008: I meet the sheriff when
Robert files for divorce against me in the state of Maine.
This makes me even crazier.

XIV.
March, 2009: The Courtroom Massacre.
The sheriff may not have shot me, but
Robert’s lawyer does when he shoots down my character
in the courtroom because of my shopping therapy.
I go crazy in the courtroom.
(The Judge orders Robert to pick up my legal fees
for shooting down my character in his courtroom.)

XV.
January, 2010: I’m deposed.
Robert’s lawyer is shocked to hear
that there’s no money in the poetry biz.
The divorce settles.
When the Judge’s mallet thuds down, I’m no longer crazy.
(I stop shopping.)

XVI.
I STILL need psychotherapy, but
go off Risperadol.

XVII.
November, 2010: More EMDR
to make sure I don’t go crazy again.
EMDR works.
(left brain, right brain, left brain right brain.)

XVIII.
September, 2011: I take up yoga.
(left side, right side, left side, right side.)
I stop psychotherapy, start psychotherapy, stop psychotherapy, etc.

XIX.
2012: More etc.
(I learn in yoga to chant with my body.)

XX.
2013: Fin?
(Will I now get my brilliant career as a poet?)

_____

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